"Your body learned shame through this world. You can learn belovedness through Christ."

I didn’t grow up in church. The idea of God felt too far away from me. I have tons of positive childhood experiences, which created a felt sense of safety and connection. However, I was also sexually abused. I believed some pretty cruel things about myself. I was dirty, deserving of punishment, and unworthy of protection.  As a teenager, I used alcohol, drugs, and sex to cope. I didn’t realize at the time I was subconsciously seeking familiar, unresolved trauma patterns, trying to gain control over my pain, and attempting to numb the shame that was planted deep inside of me. Some aspects of my flight response got rewarded. I worked hard and excelled in work and school (straight A’s can be a trauma response). I faced legal issues because of my actions. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in my late teens that I realized I needed to change. I did, and it was hard. That was a very lonely season of my life.

I explored church for a bit. Jesus fascinated me at first, then He flooded me. I had never felt so connected to someone before. It was all relational, and I wanted more. I accepted His invitation in my early 20’s. My life now had purpose, but I still struggled with a direction that felt authentic. I didn’t really know myself. It wasn’t until my mid 20’s that I went to therapy to address my childhood sexual abuse. I was having too many C-PTSD symptoms, which were interfering with my relationships and quality of life.

Therapy was painfully liberating. My Christian therapist helped save my life. Not from drugs or alcohol. Not from suicide. But from a life that wasn’t mine. Get yourself a Christian therapist. Not just in name, but see their fruit. Don’t be mesmerized by charm or churchy language. Find one you can tell intimately knows Jesus. You’ll need him or her to hold your hand, as you dive into those deep waters. I promise, rare pearls are waiting.[1] Jesus helped me get to a place of forgiving the person who abused me. I was able to share this forgiveness with the person and share the Good News of Jesus. God gave me a new heart, and understanding that new heart makes all the difference. I am a forgiving person because God is a forgiving person. I am good because He is good. I am righteous because He is righteous.

Well, the pruning process wasn’t over. The Father had more for me… not how I expected and not how I wanted. However, being on the other side, I feel His joy and hope and safety. I experienced betrayal trauma with my previous spouse. Not only was it a deep relational wound, but my internal compass of what I thought I knew “felt safe” was fractured and disorientated. Jesus held space for me, as I learned more about how I managed shame (yes, this thing again) with co-dependent/people-pleasing strategies. Again, He helped me with forgiveness. But this time, with a deeper understanding of boundaries. This psychological and spiritual awareness is painful, comforting, and liberating. Peace is such an interesting thing. It is such an interesting Person. Every step Jesus cradled me. He pushed up His sleeve to fight for me. It is through suffering I have gotten to know our Immanuel more intimately. Jesus learned obedient from what He suffered (Heb 5:8). So can you. So can I.

“Righteousness is not perfect knowledge. Righteousness is your perfect nature.”[2]

I feel honored to help others who are struggling with mental health issues and who want to grow in their relational knowledge of Jesus. Safety is very important to me. In my free time, I like to read, spend time with my husband, Ben, and go on hikes with our dogs: Charlie and Kirk. I geek out on Lord of the Rings and Jordan Peterson.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[1] Charles Spurgeon
[2] Andrew Farley