"Your body learned shame through this world. You can learn belovedness through Christ."

I wasn’t raised in church. God felt too distant. Organized religion felt too curated. I had tons of positive experiences growing up, which created a felt sense of safety and connection; however, I was also sexually abused as a child. I believed some pretty cruel things about myself: I was dirty, deserving of punishment, and unworthy of protection.  As a teenager, I used alcohol, drugs, and sex to cope. I didn’t realize at the time I was subconsciously seeking familiar, unresolved trauma patterns, trying to gain control over my pain, and attempting to numb the shame that was planted deep inside of me.

Some aspects of my flight response got rewarded. I worked hard and excelled in work and school (straight A’s can be a trauma response). I faced legal issues because of my actions. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, when I was around 20, that I realized I needed to change my lifestyle. I did, but it was a deeply lonely season of life. 

I explored church for a bit, but still had reservations if anything would come of it. Jesus’ character fascinated me at first, then He flooded me. I had never felt so connected to someone before. He was Light in the darkness and the Living Water I didn't know I thirsted for (John 8:12, John 4:13-14).

I accepted His invitation of eternal friendship in my early 20’s. My life now had purpose, but I still struggled with direction and authenticity. I didn’t know myself. It wasn’t until a few years later that I went to therapy to face my childhood sexual trauma. I was experiencing too many C-PTSD symptoms, which were interfering with my relationships and quality of life.

Therapy was painfully liberating. My Christian therapist helped save my life. Not from drugs or alcohol. Not from suicide. But from a life that wasn’t mine. Find yourself a Christian therapist. Not just in name, but witness their fruit. Please ask them questions, so you can judge rightly if they intimately know Jesus. You’ll need him or her to hold your hand, as you dive into those deep waters. I promise, rare pearls are waiting. [1]

Jesus helped me get to a place of forgiving the person who abused me. I was able to share this forgiveness with the person and share the Good News of Jesus. God gave me a new heart, and understanding that new heart makes all the difference. I am a forgiving person because God is forgiving. I am good because He is good. I am righteous because He is righteous (Rom 6:18, 2 Cor 5:21, Eph 4:24).

Well, the pruning process wasn’t over. Our Father had more for me. Not how I expected nor how I wanted. However, growth at the hands of His loving discipline, I better understand His joy, assurance, and perfect love (Heb 12:10-11, Rom 5:3-4). I experienced betrayal trauma by my previous spouse in my mid 30's. Not only was it a deep relational wound, but my internal compass of what I thought I knew “felt safe” was fractured and disoriented.

Jesus held space for me, as I learned more about how I tried to manage shame on my own (yes, this thing again). He helped heal my nervous system from fawn and flight trauma responses. Again, He helped me walk through forgiveness. But this time, with a deeper understanding of boundaries. Empathy with boundaries is grace. Empathy without boundaries is fear. Compassion is a virtue when it is unexploitable. There is deep safety in daily dependency upon Him (Matt 6:11, Prov 3:5-6).  

This psychological and spiritual awareness is painful, comforting, and liberating. Peace is such an interesting thing. It is such an interesting Person. Every step Jesus cradled me. He pushed up His sleeve and fought for me. It is through suffering that I got to know our Immanuel more intimately. Jesus learned obedience from what He suffered (Heb 5:8). So can you. So can I.

“Righteousness is not perfect knowledge. Righteousness is your perfect nature.” [2]

I feel honored to help others who are struggling with mental health issues and who want to grow in their relational knowledge of Jesus. In my free time, I like to read, spend time with my loving husband, Ben, and go on hikes with our dogs: Charlie and Kirk. I geek out on Lord of the Rings.

Notes:
[1] Charles Spurgeon [2] Andrew Farley