“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith.
I don't agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins.
Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ.” C.S. Lewis

Transformative Knowing

Epignósis is a Greek word that characterizes experiential, relational, and transforming knowledge. In Scripture, we’re promised the more we know Jesus, the more our lives are radically changed by and for Him. Thanks to the gift (and gifts) of the Holy Spirit, we’re empowered to understand our friendship with Jesus more and more. It is through this progressive, deeper knowing that our inner landscape changes (Col 3:10; 2 Pet 1:3; Eph 1:17). As believers, we are God’s new creation, which means we have new hearts that permanently abide with Christ (2 Cor 5:17; Ezek 36:26; John 15:5). It is this unity with Jesus that transforms. How do we participate in this transformational process? Experientially. Relationally.  

Renewing of the Mind

In counseling, when we unite both the science and art of psychotherapy, we can help ourselves focus on our friendship with Jesus and accept His invitations of transformation. Much of what I am in therapy is simply a safe person to anchor into, as we go on this adventure of “the renewing of the mind” (Rom 12:2). Our mind (noús in Greek) is more than just our intellect. It’s our inner world of thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and understandings. This process is more than just changing our thoughts. Those are definitely important, but God desires more than just our thinking patterns. He wants a relationship with all of you. God cares deeply about your core beliefs and your understood identity being attuned with His. God does the renewing work, but we participate by being receptive to the change. This requires our consent and cooperation… and trust. Trust can be hard for some of us (for very valid reasons), and He is patient with us, as we co-build this relationship between safety and submission.

Living Sacrifices

What is interesting is right before Paul mentions renewing of the mind, he urges "to offer your bodies as living sacrifices” (Rom 12:1). There is this inextricable connection between mind and body. How they influence one another points to the creative, communal, and communicative nature of God. Note he also said “living” sacrifices. Resurrected living is more than just being forgiven. The cross is only the beginning when it comes to your new identity. You are now much more than “just a sinner saved by grace.” To sin is to “miss the mark” (relationally, not just breaking a rule). As a sinner, your identity is the embodiment of missing the mark. It is enmity with God. But thanks to Jesus’ reconciling power and love, our new identity is friends with God. Because of Jesus, your new identity is united with “The Perfect Mark.”

Theoretical Approach: Part 1 of 2: Polyvagal Theory (PVT)

PVT’s scientific framework explains how our nervous systems shape our psychological, emotional, and behavioral states, which is based off of our bodies' detection of safety, danger, or life-treat. Our bodies are constantly scanning and asking the question, “Am I safe, or am I under threat?” This is called neuroception. As mentioned above, our bodies’ physiological states influence the mind, and the mind interprets our bodies’ signals. Whether aware of it or not, our bodies are in constant communication with the environment around us.   

Full Body Belief

Why is this so important? Well, there’s so much wisdom in our God-designed bodies. During God’s creative and playful creation of man, Lady Wisdom (God’s wisdom personified) “delighted” in the formation of mankind (Prov 9:31). Our bodies included. Unfortunately, many of us are not taught how to listen to the wisdom inside ourselves. We stay in our heads. Therapy helps us to learn how to listen in new and different ways. Unfamiliar can feel uncomfortable, but with consistency, God transforms that.

We live in a fallen world, with imperfect people, and an enemy who hunts us. Because of this, wounds will happen. We may experience too much too quickly, too much for too long, or not enough for too long. Traumas shape us by causing our bodies to stay in fixed danger/treat detection states, disrupting our body’s natural wisdom, reshaping our brains, and disorganizing our memories. It can get messy and painful… and it can get made right. 

We can learn to listen to our bodies and hear what God hears. This witnessing increases our presence and connection with ourselves, and we gain a deeper, experiential knowing of our Creator. God is present with us in all physiological states, but perceived connection with Him is often different when our bodies feel safe (moving us towards connection) versus when our bodies feel threatened (moving us towards disconnection). Voluntary and humble submission is difficult if we are in a survival state, as threat detection encumbers our capacity for connection. The good news is that you don’t need to come to God regulated; you come to Him to get regulated. You don’t need to be polished, filtered, or “coping well” to be seen by Him.

“True identity is the essence of who you are, gifted to you by God,
and meant to be discovered in relationship with Him.”[1]

The renewing process is both spiritual and neurophysiological. We yield to this Holy-Spirit driven process, where He renovates us with the truth of the Gospel, to where we naturally start to think, feel, and act like the new creations we are in Jesus. Therapy, ultimately, is identity work. Yes, it’s addressing mental health symptoms with evidence-based modalities, but it’s foundationally attuning our whole being to Truth. This process isn’t about controlling or fixing our bodies, but tending to them with God. It is with this faithful attunement, we can feel safe in our own bodies, make decision from clarity and conviction versus urgency or reluctance, and invite more playfulness into our relationships. 

Theoretical Approach: Part 2 or 2: Attachment Theory (AT)

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.”[2]

AT is a psychological framework that helps us understand how the emotional bonding patterns, that were formed in our younger life (and adulthood), influence how we relate to and experience closeness with others. Understanding our attachment system helps us understand our relational patterns, our emotional reactions to when we experience conflict or closeness, and how we relate to trust and vulnerability. The good news is that our attachment system isn’t permanently fixed. Thank God for how our bodies can be reorganized and new neural channels created. This is called neuroplasticity.   

Relational Security & Scarcity

"The most common form of despair is not being who you are.”[3]

We’ve all have likely heard that “God designed us for connection.” As children, we need our parents to be deeply interested in our inner world. We need to feel felt, that our thoughts and feelings are both welcomed and understood. Parents don’t need to be perfect, but we need them to be a secure base for us to go explore the world and a safe haven for us to return to. They play a vital role in co-creating the embodied narratives of who we believe we are and who we believe others are (including God). With their provision, we believe: “I’m worth reaching for,” “I’m worth being held,” “I’m believed in,” “When I fall, I’m caught,” “When I make a mistake, the people I love don’t leave me.”

The reality, however, is that many people seek counseling due to experiencing relational wounds. These deeply impact our mental/emotional health, leaving us stuck in cycles of unmet needs and unhelpful narratives forged about who we are. Perhaps stories of our unlovability and not being good enough. We’re uninteresting and unimportant. We’re dirty or defective. Our self-worth has to earned. Chaos feels normal and peace makes us panic. Emotions are dangerous, as they’ve been weaponized against us. Only parts of us are welcome, so we must mask and perform. Love has strings attached. This list could go on.

But this list is not true. While it feels deeply real, God is inviting us to understand truer narratives, and for these narratives to take form and live within our bodies. This takes time, consistency, and partnership. He helps us to understand that He is consistently available, not intermittently responsive or dependent upon our behavior. We don’t need to earn what’s already been given. He helps us to know that it’s safe to admit we have needs, it’s good for us to voice those needs, and we don’t need to self-protect by withdrawing.  

“If you want to take the road to independence and happiness,
find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.”[4]

This is the dependency paradox. True freedom is “discovered” through dependency upon Him. We get to take co-ownership in our healing process, and we practice unconditional friendliness to ourselves. Why? Because that is how Christ relates to us. His love is unconditional, so we get to embody that as well. Have you ever noticed if your love for yourself is conditional?

Shame

“Our Savior kneels down and gazes upon the darkest acts of our lives.
But rather than recoil in horror, he reaches out in kindness and from the basin of his grace,
he scoops a palm full of mercy and washes away our sin.”[5]

 We all fear disconnection. Who hasn’t felt rejection? Abandonment? All of us have needs, and when those needs go unmet, we sometimes try to meet them ourselves. This can be in both adaptive and maladaptive ways. The unhealthy ways often produce shame, but it is often shame connected to those unmet needs that drive those destructive, self-protective behaviors. In therapy, instead of addressing just the behavior(s) you want to change, we go to the source(s) keeping you stuck in those unwanted behaviors. "All behavior is purposeful.”[6] With love, we explore those purposes. We make contact with their origin stories and get to the core of the unmet need(s), and allow our Father to delightfully gift us with both supernatural and natural integration. (Matt 7:11; James 1:17). For His glory. Glory that He allows us to partake in with Him (John 15:8; John 17:24; Rom 8:17). The cross and resurrection restored us back to our original glory, the time before original sin.

Grief

“A wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal.”[7]

In discipleship, we never minimize what we’ve gone through. Brokenness is not weakness. It’s an invitation. Our grief deserved to be witnessed, not just fixed. Most of us weren’t show how to do this… to grieve well. Others didn’t see us or hold us in our grief. But we can do that now. Therapy (often like the pruning process) is painful at times, but our Father (our Vine Dresser) does so because of His devotion to us. Through this process, we understand more how He delights in transforming Sorrow and Suffering into Joy and Peace.[8]  And don’t worry, God gives you permission to be messy. He extends trust to you and the grace of Jesus covers you. This is the beauty of healing. It’s not formulaic, but relational. This process doesn’t mean it’s getting “worse,” rather, you’re finally giving yourself permission to feel what has always been there. There is peace we walk in daily (Eph 6:15, 2 Thes 3:16), and there is another type of peace that comes after chaos is transformed.[9]

Rest & Solitude

“Even the tide retreats, not in defeat, but to gather its strength." [10]

Jesus wants a relationship with you more than you to be in service to Him (Luke 10:20). The felt quality of our relationship is often related to our mutual investment. Resting with each other is essential. Yes, this may mean experiencing boredom. For some of us, boredom is foreign. For others, our body registers stillness as dangerous, so we keep ourselves drowning in busyness. But witnessing what is within ourselves when we slow down is the only way to experientially know aspects of our friendship with Jesus. Even He acknowledged his need for silence and solitude. (Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16) We learn that His presence is something we carry, not just visit. We learn His approval is a gift of grace and not earned through doing.

Body of Christ

"The opposite of trauma is not happiness, it's connection.
When we feel safe and loved, we can begin to heal the wounds of the past."[11]
“Safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”[12]

It is by and through Jesus that we are emboldened to helps others become disciples (not just converts). But we need others too: to help us, regulate us, pour into us, and carry our burdens. This process is utterly incomplete without our safe anchors. Not a crowd, but a few believers who get to be the embodiment of Jesus in our lives. Much of God’s healing happens in repetitive connection with safe others, not in isolation. But my warning is, we must learn to choose wisely. Not everyone is for you. We must learn to judge rightly (John 7:24). Boundaries keep us safe. Forgiveness doesn’t mean trust. Loves doesn’t mean access. Unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance.[13] Knowing and practicing this doesn’t make you a mean person, it makes you wise, and wisdom protects what is good.

“It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”[14]

Fear of God + Grace of God

“The most difficult part of mature faith is to allow ourselves to be the object of God’s delight.” [15]

Lastly, there is something I’ve noticed over the years when working with believers. Some more readily grasp the fear and reverence of God, but struggle with deeply knowing the grace of God. They are in awe of Him, but haven’t experienced the consistent embodiment of safety with Him. Lack of relational security with God isn’t always a lack of belief. Sometimes it’s our new hearts telling us truth and we believe it, but our attachment system is being activated, influencing how we feel. It’s not always that we have poor theology, but more a disconnection in how we relate with God.

We admire His power and mightiness and His righteous perfection. On our own, we will forever fall short of Him. This required humility. Gratefully, we are not on our own. Jesus did for us what we couldn’t. Understanding His grace requires another form of humility. That is, agreeing with what God now says about you. Secure attachment with God may currently feel foreign to you… but it can become your felt sense home. I can make that promise because God promises all things are possible with Him (Matt 19:26, Mark 9:23).  He established security first; we love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[1] Jamie Winship [2] Brené Brown [3] Søren Kierkegaard [4] Amir Levine & Rachel Heller [5] Max Lucado [6] William Glasser [7] John Eldredge [8] Hannah Hurnard [9] Jordan Peterson [10] Dipendra Tamang [11] Gabor Maté [12] Bessel van der Kolk [13] Brené Brown [14] Mark Twain [15] Hykie Berg